


Self Destruction

by WolfGangSBD



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Drinking, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Smoking, Unrequited Love, dw its nothing crazy like crack lol, i know that doesnt make it okay tho, kinda angst, like both drugs and cigs, theyre all old enough tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-11 21:32:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15324792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfGangSBD/pseuds/WolfGangSBD
Summary: Maki's just trying to get through college, but it's kind of hard when she keeps picking up bad habits.





	Self Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> much thanks to motherrussianelichika for beta-ing this for me!! thanks fam

It was approaching midnight and the party was in full swing. It was way too loud and there were way too many people, Maki thought, as she walked outside to get some air. She braced herself for the coldness, but realized she didn’t really care. It seemed like she didn’t care much anymore.

Why was she here again? The question repeated itself like an endless loop throughout the entire night and each time Maki would claim she didn’t know, but she knew deep down that the answer was inside.

After a fleeting glance at the seemingly intimidating house behind her, Maki moved to sit on one of the couches outside, joining a circle of people—Eli was there with some of her friends and Maki always liked her company.

“Maki! Wouldn’t have expected to see you here.” Eli exclaimed with a friendly smile as soon as Maki sat down, “Thought you’d be hitting the books like usual.”

Maki shrugged and took the offered...blunt? Joint? She didn’t know, but it was wrapped up nicely and was almost halfway done. She took a long drag and then passed it around, smiling politely when the others smiled back at her. Eli scooted closer to her, her eyes red and small as she laughed.

“Who would’ve thought my little Maki would be hitting the joint with us?” Eli wondered teasingly and Maki shrugged again, feeling a bit embarrassed at the attention. She wanted to twirl her hair like usual, but she knew that it would only warrant further teasing.

“I’ve been feeling stressed so why not?” Maki replied instead and the others nodded with agreement.

“Well we’ve all been there at some point.” Eli said with a reassuring smile and Maki closed her eyes; the coldness was at the back of her mind, and all she could feel was Eli’s warmth. The scent of different types of smoke was vague, and the sound of laughter and chatter seemed to take over. One by one, her senses focused on one particular thing, making the music coming from the house seem faint. Maki was thankful for that.

She jolted when Eli nudged her shoulder and opened her eyes. She looked down and saw the joint being offered once again and took it. She took another long hit, coughing a bit after. Eli offered her some water and she took it gratefully, smiling a bit when Eli slung her arm around her shoulders.

“I missed you, you know? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.” Eli commented warmly and Maki leaned against her, feeling relaxed. She looked up at the stars and was somewhat astonished at how many she could see; it was as if everything was in HD.

“If I want to be a nurse, I have to take biology and chemistry, which means taking three hour labs for each one. It’s been a rough semester.” Maki answered once she remembered that Eli was talking to her and Eli smiled reassuringly.

“Don’t worry, I know you can do it.” Eli responded comfortingly before glancing around. When the others weren’t looking, she whispered,  “The joint’s almost dead and you took some good hits. Do you still want to be in the circle?”

Maki almost smiled widely at that; she always looked up to Eli for reading the mood. Maki was down to smoke when offered, but she didn’t usually do drugs so she was thankful for Eli’s interference. She fished around in her pocket to pull out the pack of cigarettes she always had, and Eli took the hint.

“Hey, Maki and I are gonna go talk someplace quieter.” Eli announced with an apologetic smile. Her friends said their okays and goodbyes, and Maki appreciated how understanding they were. Or maybe she was just reading too much into it. She didn’t know. Maybe the weed was getting to her.

She got up with Eli and went over to the side, taking out her lighter. She pulled a cigarette out of her pack, noticing that she only had a couple left. She offered one to Eli, who smiled in return. She lit her own cigarette and took a drag before passing the lighter to Eli, but she refused it. Instead, Eli leaned in and touched the tip of her cigarette with Maki’s. Maki looked into her eyes as they both inhaled, blushing lightly at Eli’s grin, but she wasn’t surprised at Eli’s actions.

Eli changed after college, becoming more comfortable with other people. It was probably because she joined a sorority, but Maki felt like it was because of something else.

_ (She remembers seeing her so defeated one night. _

_ ‘Are you okay?’ _

_ ‘Yeah, just didn’t do well on a test.’ _

_ And when she turns to leave, she sees from the corner of her eye how painfully sad she seemed.) _

Everyone jokingly said that she would be the alcoholic in the group considering how she was part Russian, but Eli surprised everyone by doing both drugs and alcohol. Maki thought she would be disappointed with her senpai, but she realized that people did all sorts of things in college. She was just thankful that Eli hadn’t fallen hard and started doing harder, more terrible drugs.

_ (She remembers seeing her so dead one night. _

_ ‘Are you okay?’ _

_ ‘Yeah, just a hangover.’ _

_ And when she turns to leave, she sees from the corner of her eye how empty and lifeless she seemed.) _

“Thanks for the light.” Eli said with a small smile and Maki nodded, looking back up to the sky again. When she shivered slightly, Eli wrapped her arm around hers, “Cold?”

“A little.” Maki mumbled softly, glancing at the house with hidden desire. She then shook her head and just took another hit of her cigarette. Eli just held her tighter before talking about school and other things, trying to catch Maki up with whatever was going on.

“Want to go inside?” Eli asked after a while and Maki blinked. She looked at Eli and received an understanding look. “We’ve almost burned through all of your cigs and it’s cold out here, maybe we should get some drinks to warm us up.” 

_ (She remembers seeing her so worried one night. _

_ ‘Are you okay?’ _

_ ‘Yeah, just need something to ease the stress.’ _

_ And when she turns to leave, she sees from the corner of her eye how concerned she seemed.) _

At Eli’s reassuring smile, Maki nodded and the two went back inside. Everything was loud, yet Maki could see everything clearly. She saw the desire radiating from the dance floor and the mistakes happening at the counter where the drinks were being served. She saw the happiness from the drunks getting drunker and the love from the couples who were in their own world. 

Maki was broken out of her reverie when Eli led her to the counter. She grinned widely at Rin, who was somewhat drunk, while a completely sober Hanayo was pouring people drinks. Kotori was there as well, helping the two out.

“Eli-chan! Maki-chan! I missed you two, nya!” Rin exclaimed as she went over to give the two a hug. Hanayo, who had matured quite a lot and became more confident of herself, just giggled and poured Eli a drink.

“We’re in the same sorority, Rin-chan. And you saw Maki-chan an hour ago.” Hanayo said loudly due to the music that was blasting in the house. She passed Eli the drink and began to make Maki one, shooting her a warm smile as she did, “Your usual?”

“Thanks.” Maki responded with a smile of her own. It seemed like everyone had changed after college. Well, Rin was still the same energetic girl she knew from high school. Kotori had also matured as well—it was as if she were the legendary Minalinksy all the time. She was no longer the indecisive, timid girl from high school.

But now that she thought about it, Umi was probably the one who had changed the most out of everyone, especially after she started dating Kotori and joined the sorority they were in. It was a surprise to everyone when she had made the decision to do so, and it made Maki feel kind of left out. But she had changed for the better though, becoming less shy and more honest with herself. She didn’t do drugs and rarely drank alcohol, and Maki was glad that part of her didn’t change.

“Where’s Umi?” Maki asked and Kotori smiled gently, which seemed to calm Maki’s heart a little. Some things never change.

“She says she’s playing host with Honoka and Nico, but I know she just wants to make sure the house doesn’t get too trashed.” Kotori replied and Maki flinched. She hoped no one noticed and if they did, they didn’t say anything.

“We did pay for this house.” Eli stated but Rin, who was still cuddling with Eli and Maki, shook her head.

“We’ve got other places though, nya!” Rin exclaimed and Hanayo giggled at her girlfriend.

“Rin-chan!” Hanayo said and Rin’s head popped up, “We don’t want to waste money, right?”

“Right, nya!” Rin said as she rushed back to Hanayo and started to nuzzle her. Hanayo just laughed before giving her girlfriend a kiss on the cheek.

Maki smiled at the scene before her, but she felt so disconnected. It was as if she was watching a movie where everyone was having fun together, and she wasn’t included.

She tried to hang out with the others, she really did. But this semester’s workload was too much, Maki would argue. 

“C’mon Maki, we’re supposed to play catch up.” Eli said playfully as she nudged her and Maki nodded, smiling at the others as she waved goodbye.

“Everyone seems to be having fun.” Maki mused and Eli hummed thoughtfully. Where they were at, the music was loud but not loud enough for them to not hear each other.

“Well, being in a sorority is fun, but it’s expensive and a lot of work.” Eli said as they sat down on one of the couches. She waved to some people playing beer pong and sat close to Maki. Maki knew she was just trying to protect her from the people that were looking at her all night, so she leaned in as well.  “Why don’t you join? Rin and Hanayo did this year.”

She already knew the answer to that, but she seemed to have the habit of running away from her problems and ignoring them. She’d never admit that aloud though.

“Schoolwork.” Maki replied simply as she sipped her drink, which was exactly how she liked it—fruity and sweet.

_ (She remembers seeing her so happy one night. _

_ ‘Are you okay?’ _

_ ‘Yeah, just can’t handle anything that tastes remotely like alcohol.’ _

_ And as she turns to leave, she sees from the corner of her eye how proud she seemed.) _

“Right.” Eli said unbelievingly and Maki looked at her, the challenge present in her eyes. Eli looked back, and Maki broke eye contact. Some things never change.

“If this is about Nico, then—”

“Who said this was about Nico-chan?” Maki interrupted angrily before chugging her drink.

“Well, that just proved that this was about Nico.” Eli commented under her breath, sighing in the process. She moved her hand to her shoulder and continued, “Look, Maki, I get it—”

“Do you really?” Maki asked accusingly, and Eli looked around cautiously.

“Let’s go upstairs.” Eli said, squeezing her shoulder comfortingly, “This isn’t the right place to talk about this.”

Frowning, Maki followed Eli up the stairs, not liking how she started to stumble a bit. She felt like she was coming down from her high, but the alcohol seemed to be kicking in too fast. She knew that drinking on an empty stomach as a lightweight wasn’t the best idea, but she was too anxious to eat before the party. She seemed to be too anxious to enjoy anything as of late.

_ (She remembers seeing her so cautious one night. _

_ ‘Are you okay?’ _

_ ‘Yeah, just that homework and tests are just piling up.’ _

_ And when she turns to leave, she sees from the corner of her eye how watchful she seemed.) _

“Look, Maki, I need you to be honest with me.” Eli said as they walked down the hall. Maki ignored the thumps, the screams, and the moans, focusing solely on Eli. Eli opened the door and Maki went inside, “We’re all worried about you, you know? You kind of shut yourself in this semester.”

Maki kept quiet as she walked over to the bed and laid down, groaning as she rolled over to her side. Eli just sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at her with those caring blue eyes of hers. She seemed to be down from her high too, but the drink in her hand was empty.

“I’m fine.” Maki mumbled stubbornly before rolling away from her. However, Eli stopped her and gently rolled her back towards her.

“Hey, look, I’m here for you. We all are.” Eli said reassuringly and Maki took her hand off of her shoulder. She got up and took in a deep breath, faintly tasting the cigarettes she smoked earlier.

“What did you mean by knowing how I feel?” Maki asked after a brief moment, and Eli’s smile faltered. It was her turn to sigh and look away.

“Everyone only knew about this recently, but only because I finally became comfortable enough to say it.” Eli started as she ran her hands through her hair. She cleared her throat before laying back on her hands and continuing, “I was in love with Nozomi. Not puppy love, but real, genuine love.”

Maki looked at her with shock. She knew that she and Nozomi were best friends, but she didn’t know that Eli had feelings for her. Everything seemed so platonic, even though they would always joke around with each other.

_ (She remembers seeing her so quiet one night. _

_ ‘Are you okay?’ _

_ ‘Yeah, just thinking of some memories.’ _

_ And when she turns to leave, she sees from the corner of her eye how wistful she seemed.) _

“Of course, that changed when Nozomi told me she was in love with Nico. And then Nico told me she was in love with her too. And then they both started asking me for advice for each other. I didn’t know what to do, and you were all still in high school. I didn’t want to bother you all.” Eli admitted with a small, sad smile, running her fingers through her hair once again, “So I tried to do my own thing and joined a sorority. I’ve done things I regret during my time here, but it helped. The girls helped.”

“But sometimes it got too much, so I started smoking and that helped for a bit. But then Nico and Nozomi noticed how terrible I actually was so they joined to keep an eye on me.” Eli continued with a wry smile as she laughed, “They actually wanted to join before because this was the only lesbian sorority and when they found out I was a part of it, they got so mad. Well, they weren’t actually mad, but you know what I mean.”

“But as time passed by, I realized I couldn’t do anything about how I felt for Nozomi. So I tried exploring and went out with a couple of people. Nothing really clicked, though. Now, I’m just going with the flow.” Eli confessed, and everything seemed to fall into place.

_ (She remembers seeing her so unsatisfied one night. _

_ ‘Are you okay?’ _

_ ‘Yeah, just went out on a date.’ _

_ And when she turns to leave, she sees from the corner of her eye how melancholic she seemed.) _

“I didn’t know.” Maki whispered guiltily after a while, and Eli waved her off.

“It’s fine, it’s fine. I’ve come to terms with it, really.” Eli reassured her with a smile, but it didn’t really reach her eyes. “But they were right when they said that you never really forget your first love.”

Maki kept quiet, and for a while it felt like it was just the two of them in the world. She was still processing everything when Eli nudged her shoulder.

“Too much?” Eli asked with a light chuckle but Maki couldn’t respond. “I’m sorry. We’re friends, but I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“No, I’m sorry.” Maki started and shook her head when Eli tried to wave her off. “Really, I feel like a shitty friend for not noticing.”

“Well, no one else noticed, so that means everyone else is a shitty friend.” Eli joked and Maki couldn’t help but snort at that. There were a couple beats of silence after that, and after a while Eli put her hand on Maki’s shoulder, “If you don’t want to talk tonight, it’s fine. We can always meet up sometime.”

“No, I should probably talk to someone about this.” Maki refused as she leaned in towards Eli, who wrapped her arm around her reassuringly.

“I smoke. And I drink. A lot. I know I’m supposed to stop but I just can’t. I just want to erase these feelings, but I can’t.” Maki confessed, her face twisting as she struggled to find the right words. “Nico and I are just friends, and nothing will ever happen between us. That’s the reality, but I don’t want to face it. Not yet. Every day I’m reminded of the truth, but I selfishly choose to ignore it in hopes of something changing.”

“So I just focus on school. I overwork myself so I’m too tired to think at night. I smoke to try to relax, and I drink until I can’t think. I keep on making these self-destructive habits just so I can run away from my problems.” Maki continued somberly, feeling surprised that she wasn’t breaking down in tears, and Eli squeezed her shoulder.

“It’s okay, Maki. I’m here for you. We’re all here for you.” Eli whispered warmly and Maki sighed. Eli was one of the few people that Maki felt comfortable enough with.

“I know, but I feel so empty. Why do I feel so empty whenever I see her?” Maki said, her tone melancholic as she looked up at Eli, not surprised to see the same look on her face.

“Because you’re in love with her, but she’s in love with someone else.” Eli replied with an understanding look, brushing her hands through Maki’s hair and cupping her face to look directly at her. “It’s going to be rough and it will take time, but the pain will eventually ease.”

“Will it really?” Maki asked, almost childishly, and Eli nodded.

“Yes.”

It was quiet after that, and once again Maki felt like the only other thing in the world was Eli. She hugged her back and breathed in, smelling the faint scent of her perfume mixed with cigarettes and alcohol.

“Can you stay here with me?” Maki asked softly as she held tight onto Eli’s back, and Eli smiled, holding her just as close as she moved to press her forehead against hers. Her blue eyes reminded Maki of her own violet ones—they were filled with pain, comfort, but most importantly, understanding.

“Of course.”

And as the night passed, two friends found comfort in each other’s arms. No one knew what happened that night, but the two were rarely seen without the other ever since. Some claimed that they were dating, others argued that they were just good friends. Only a choice select knew the truth. 

But the reality of it all was that Maki really wished that she could stop creating self-destructive habits.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry that it ends abruptly but life just be like that ya know. anyways thanks for reading, i hope yall liked it!!


End file.
